3 Dos and Don’ts with Teens When You’re Going Through a Divorce

When parents divorce, teens go through a variety of spaces.  They can feel uncertain, afraid, angry, embarrassed and take on blaming  themselves.  As both a child of divorce and a step parent, I can verify that teens experience a wide range of emotions…and don’t always know how to express those emotions in a positive productive manner.  tDivorce is challenging for every family member, but for teens, it can feel like their whole world is shifting. 

As a parent, your role is to provide stability, reassurance, and love—even when emotions are running high. Here are 3 do’s and 3 don’ts to help you support your teenager during this major life transition.

DO #1: Keep an Open Dialogue

Teens often internalize more than they let on, so keeping communication lines open is essential.

• Share updates in age-appropriate ways so your teen doesn’t feel left in the dark.

• Reassure them they can ask questions and talk about their feelings anytime.

• Have regular check-ins, even if they don’t seem eager to talk at first.  Pro tip: teens often open up late at night (yes, when you’re exhausted!)

Why it matters: Open dialogue builds trust and shows your teen you’re a safe place to turn, no matter how complicated things get.

DO #2: Give Your Teen Space to Express Their Emotions (and Don’t Take It Personally!)

Your teen may experience anger, sadness, relief, or confusion—and they need space to feel it all.  Teenage brains are about 10 years from being fully developed, which means that impulsivity and emotional control are not in check.  Not to mention, the hormonal changes they’re going through!

• Allow them to vent, cry, or withdraw for a while without judgment.

• Validate their emotions: “It’s okay to feel upset. This is a lot to process.”

• Remind yourself that their frustration isn’t a personal attack—it’s a natural reaction.

Why it matters: Giving them room to process feelings shows respect for their emotional world and helps them feel understood.

DO #3: Maintain Routines and Stability

While life is changing in a major way, sticking to familiar routines (school schedules, sports, bedtime rituals) gives your teen a sense of security.  Also think through holiday rituals; taking something sacred away at the last minute can trigger an avoidable meltdown.

• Keep predictable rules and boundaries.

• Prioritize time together and family traditions.

• Let them know what’s changing—and what’s staying the same.

Why it matters: Stability helps teens feel grounded when family dynamics are shifting.

DON’T #1: Put Your Teen in the Middle

Never ask your teen to “choose sides,” deliver messages, or act as a go-between. Handle communication directly with your ex whenever possible.

• Make it clear that your child is not responsible for adult issues.

• Set up, or use a mediator to set up, ways to communicate with your former spouse that don’t involve your teen: shared calendars, What’s App threads, private chats.

Why it matters: Being put in the middle creates unnecessary stress, resentment, and guilt for your teen.

DON’T #2: Bash Your Ex in Front of Your Teen

Even if your feelings toward your ex are complicated, avoid negative talk in front of your teen.  YOU have the issue with your spouse, not your teen!  No matter your feelings, your former spouse is your child’s parent.  One key to having a great life is having a great relationship with your parents—remember that!

• Keep venting for adult friends or a therapist, and not within earshot of your teen.

• Remind your teen they are loved by both parents.

Why it matters: Criticizing the other parent can harm your child’s self-esteem and make them feel like they have to “choose” loyalties.

DON’T #3: Dismiss or Downplay Their Feelings

Teens often minimize their emotions to avoid upsetting parents. If they do share, don’t rush to fix or dismiss.  Everyone is going through the divorce, not just the adults.  Teens have a very small lens from which to view this event; give them space to learn and grow through it.

• Avoid phrases like “You’ll get over it” or “It’s not that bad.”

• Listen fully, validate, and thank them for trusting you.

Why it matters: Your teen needs to feel heard and understood, not shut down.  Validating their emotions will also teach them appropriate ways to express themselves.

❤️ Final Thoughts ❤️

Divorce is never easy, but your teenager can come through it feeling secure and supported when you focus on communication, empathy, and stability. Remember: your relationship with your ex may be ending, but your role as a steady, loving parent is more important than ever.

Reaching out for support is also always an option. At Key Coaching, we support teens and families in many situations, including those who are splitting. Divorce may be permanent but the emotions and narratives that get created don’t have to be! www.thekeycoach.org

Need a mediator? Reach out to some local experts: http://www.garskemediation.com