Unlocking the Teen Code: 5 strategies to talk with teens that build trust and connection
Talking to teenagers can sometimes feel like a walk across a minefield: you feel like you have to tiptoe, you never know if there will be an explosion, and you’re never fully sure if you’re in the clear!
Although it might not always seem easy, talking with teens doesn’t always have to be hard! Teens want to feel heard, respected and understood. They’re also navigating through struggles, confusion, and relationships and don’t necessarily know how to express themselves or say what’s on their mind. And that’s where you come in.
After 20+ years of working with teens, I’ve seen what shuts them down—and more importantly, what opens them up. You don’t have to have all the right words. You just need the right approach.
Here are 5 conversation strategies that shift the tone from resistance to real talk.
Pause the Fix-It Reflex
When a teen shares something, many adults want to automatically fix or problem solve: “Here’s what you should do…” As good as your intentions may be, that can come across as if you’re not listening or understanding.
Rather than trying to fix or problem solve, ask yourself if they need your advice, or just your attention. And if you’re not sure, ask them!
A simple shift:
“Do you want me to just listen, or are you open to some ideas?”
You’ll be surprised how often they do want feedback—when they feel like they have a choice.
In so many cases, teens just need space to be heard.
2. Use your EARS to listen, not your MOUTH!
This one sounds simple, but it’s not always easy. One of the most powerful tools you have is listening. When teens feel genuinely listened to—not interrupted, corrected, or judged—they start to share more. This is especially important when teens are sharing something disturbing or something where you want to take matters into your own hands. Try your best to control your reactions and empathize instead.
“That sounds really frustrating.”
“You’re carrying a lot right now, huh?”
“Woah! That sounds intense! How are you feeling about it?”
When teens feel emotionally safe, the walls come down.
3. Lighten up ;)
If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that under the eye rolling and ‘whatevers’, teens are silly, goofballs! Much of the time, your teen wants to laugh, blow off steam, and know that everything doesn’t always have to be serious. Getting down on their level: watching silly tic toks, talking through the new trends (even when they don’t make sense), or genuinely laughing with them, can go a long way in building connections and relationships.
Laughter can always be the best medicine!
4. PAY ATTENTION!
Teens know when someone is paying them lip service or just nodding along. If you’re really committed to talking with your teen, put down your phone, shut off the tv, and genuinely pay attention to what they’re saying. You may not do it ‘right’, but the simple act of making the effort to listen will go a long way.
Pro tip:
Teens come to life when many of us are going to bed. Listen for potential conversations that start when you’re ready to stop; although you’re tired (nay, exhausted!), this may be the ‘in’ you’ve been waiting for.
5. Circle Back
Not every conversation will go perfectly. That’s okay. If you’re paying attention and really listening, what actually matters is that teens know you’re still there, still open, and still willing to show up.
Try:
“I’ve been thinking about what you said the other day.”
“If you ever want to talk more about that, I’m here.”
Or even a low-pressure text or Post-it note just saying, “Thinking of you.”
Trust isn’t built in one breakthrough—it’s built in the follow-through.
Final Thought
Whether you’re a parent, educator, coach, or mentor—the goal isn’t to have all the answers or do it the ‘right way’. It’s to be someone who creates a safe space where teens can turn to when life gets messy and greets them with open arms and an open mind…no matter what.
